This article was written by Clifford Stoll for NEWSWEEK Magazine in 1995, back at the genesis of the Internet.  A friend of mine sent it to me and we both got a kick out of it.  But I could do one better, I said!  I could turn the article into more self parody using the power of Hyperlinks and 20/20 vision 15 years in the future!  (With apologies to Maddox.)

Hype alert: Why cyberspace isn’t, and will never be, nirvana

After two decades online, I’m perplexed. It’s not that I haven’t had a gas of a good time on the Internet. I’ve met great people and even caught a hacker or two. But today, I’m uneasy about this most trendy and oversold community. Visionaries see a future of telecommuting workers, interactive libraries and multimedia classrooms. They speak of electronic town meetings and virtual communities. Commerce and business will shift from offices and malls to networks and modems. And the freedom of digital networks will make government more democratic.

Baloney. Do our computer pundits lack all common sense? The truth in no online database will replace your daily newspaper, no CD-ROM can take the place of a competent teacher and no computer network will change the way government works.

OK, so it’s a bit old, but I just saw this on Burger King’s site, and I almost cried I laughed so hard.

http://www.bk.com/en/us/campaigns/star-trek.html

Only Burger King could get away with making fun of themselves and Star Trek, at the same time.

The Kingons may be an advanced race developed after intercepting BK commercials.

• ‘Ensign Cam Sanantonio, the communications relays located in this system have been offline for the past 47 hours.”
• I visited a pergium mine.
• The loading screens are full of interesting tidbits of background data on the game, and Star Trek.

Awesome ship names:

• Captain Akbar of the USS It’s A Trap
• Captain Joseph Stalin of the USS R
• Captain Saxton Hale@NinJarate

Today’s bug:

• After finishing one of the missions, I warped out.  The game then decided to send me back into the instance, but luckily realized that I had completed it… and I didn’t have to do it all over again.

Cryptic is offering a Lifetime subscription for $239.00.  Unfortunatly, they want you to buy it before it launches.  I don’t know if I can (1) rustle the cash that fast, or even (2) if I want to yet.  With any luck, they’ll run the deal a bit longer than “launch day.”  Heck, I’m ALREADY spending $80 for the game’s installer disk. That puts the total price for a lifetime membership of the game at about the price of an XBOX 360 with games.  I don’t know if the game is that good yet, you know?

Still a lot of lag here on Day 3, but it’s getting better.  And there’s more people on as well.

Having just reinstalled Gentoo as my Linux-Of-Choice (I’m dual-booting Windows for gaming), I keep running into various painful snags of the WTF persuasion.

One of them is AWN, the Avant Window Navigator.  It’s a small dock I use to replace the bottom bar of the Gnome desktop for applications;  I find the icon-centric display to be more useful than the wordy buttons of yore.

On Ubuntu, AWN automatically detects my NVidia Xinerama configuration and sets itself in the center of the left hand monitor, as I want.

On Gentoo… not so much.  It plonks itself right in the middle of the dual monitor, becoming quite annoying.

Per the FAQ entry here:  http://wiki.awn-project.org/FAQ#How_do_I_reposition_AWN.3F  I was able edit gconf key /apps/avant-window-navigator/bar/bar_pos.  Set to “.15″ it’s at least mostly set correctly.  It’s not perfect, but it’ll do until I figure out how to make it work correctly.

Could we puh-leeze stop with the breathless reporting of that latest scourge against humanity, H1N1?

I was listening to XM radio news talk for the last few days;  one channel has AP news, and another an independent news provider.  And in both cases, they had breathless reports about the scary H1N1 that was coming to eat you!

This struck me as interesting, because I thought that the most recent disease poised to kill everyone was Swine Flu, not this H1N1 thingey.  So I got back to work and (instead of actually producing code, naturally) I looked up this new viral threat to humanity.

It’s interesting.  Read it if you want, I’m going to summarize below:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Influenza_A_virus_subtype_H1N1

H1N1 is the regular flu.  Now, for any of the survivors of the original Spanish Influenza outbreak, perhaps the line (said snarkily) “It’s only the flu” might be a bit insulting, but I promise no insult was meant.

What I mean is that we, as humans, have been living with the flu for decades.  We have over the counter pills to help take care of the flu.  Cheap over the counter meds.  If the flu gets to the point where you’ll need a doctor’s note to get back to work, a quick trip to the doctor will get you Tamiflu, or some other disease crusher which will get you back on your feet.

According to Globalsecurity.org, “During a typical year in the United States, 30,000 to 50,000 persons die as a result of influenza viral infection.”  According to the Census Bureau, the current population of the United States is 304,059,724.  Or, in other words, .016% of the population.

Most of those deaths are due to people also having weakened immune systems, due to old age, autoimmune diseases, being very young.  In other words, a healthy American has more to worry about driving to work then dying from the flu.

But this is a new flu, right?  Well, maybe.  See, H1N1 is the name for many types of flu, from the Spanish Influenza to Regular Seasonal Flu.  So, just because the news says somebody got H1N1 doesn’t mean they have the new Swine Flu.  The correct name would be Novel H1N1.  Novel H1N1 is “Swine Flu.”  But that’s not what the reports say.  They just say H1N1.

Humans have been living with H1N1 for decades and we know how to handle it.

In point of fact! Novel H1N1 is only exciting because it’s new.  Dr. Dan Hinthorn, director of the division of infectious disease at the University of Kansas (via the NY Times) says:

“We’d all like to know the exact answer,’’ he explained. “The symptoms are quite similar between regular flu and swine flu. Influenza ordinarily is a respiratory illness with fever, headache, sore throat, nasal stuffiness and cough. And body aches are real common. You go to bed and feel terrible. The difference may be that some of the people who have had swine flu have diarrhea or vomiting. That’s unusual except in children. Adults usually don’t have diarrhea with flu. It may well be that that could be a marker, but it’s not clear yet.’’

So… Swine Flu is just like Regular Flu… except new?  The only really novel part is that Novel H1N1 seems a little more likely to mutate than regular flu.  But even regular flu mutates.  You’re body is designed to fight these including their mutations.  Unless you’re really sick, you don’t need to go to the Doctor.  Sure, call them.  And if you’re really feeling bad, go.  I’m not advising you to die trying to stay away from the doctor.  I’m just saying…

Novel H1N1 is “New” and that’s it.

It’s not more dangerous.

It’s not more deadly.

You’re not more likely to get it.

If you’re weak to Swine Flu, you’re weak to Regular Flu anyway, and already know how to take care of that.

In other news It’s not a story.  And even when the news makes it a story they get it wrong. Trying to sound scary and scientific, they’ve stopped calling it Swine Flu and now call it H1N1… which means nothing.  It’s the flu!  It happens every year!

There are some things you can do to keep regular flu, swine flu, Spanish Influenza, Avian Flu, the whole flu family tree at bay.  It’s easy.

• Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you sneeze.  Throw that tissue away.
• Wash your hands, especially after you sneeze.  Alchohol based hand cleansers are useful when you don’t have ready access to hot running water and soap.
• Avoid touching eyes, nose, and mouth.  These are germ entry points.
• Avoid contact with sick people.
• If you actually have a fever, stay home for at least 24 hours after the fever breaks to make sure you’re no longer a carrier.
• Wash your desk and keyboard and other work surfaces regularly.

Interestingly enough, these recommendations from the CDC are the same recommendations for the cold.  And seasonal flu.  And every other communicable reporatory disease.  Again, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was new, it wouldn’t even be news.

As the Hitchhiker’s Guide says… Don’t Panic!  If you aren’t sick, just do the things above to lower your risk.  If you think you might be sick, get some rest and don’t go into crowded emergency rooms full of sick people (the fastest way I can imagine to get sick, or maybe even earn another sickness).  If you think you need a Doctor, call one.  If you’re really sick, go see a doctor, he’ll fix you up.  Your chances of dying or melting into goo or something from the flu are limited.

You’re chances of getting regular flu outweigh getting “swine flu.”  And even if you did, “swine flu” tends to be less deadly to healthy people than regular flu!

Note that the Swine Flu is now a pandemic.  Pandemic means “all people,” and generally means PANIC!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  Who lists the criteria for a pandemic as:

• emergence of a disease new to a population;
• agents infect humans, causing serious illness; and
• agents spread easily and sustainably among humans.

Novel H1N1 is new, yes.  It’s infectious in humans and causes the flu, yes.  And it’s easily spreadable, yes.  Realize that two of these conditions, however, cover the common cold and seasonal flu! Note that flu pandemics expressly do not count the seasonal flu because we’re used to it! The only thing new about H1N1 is that it is new.  It’s not more dangerous or deadly than the enemy we are used to.  It’s just new.

So, could we dial down the panic-o-meter?  If anything else, getting Swine Flu should be a badge of honor.  You couldn’t get sick with regular flu, no sir!  You had to get the newest, best, and shineyest model.  And even if it really makes you sick, if you’re not already weakened by something else, Modern Medicine can cure you!  Heck, for most people chicken noodle soup and some bed rest will do that.

Could we please stop panicking about something that’s so not something to panic about?

Thank you.

I’ve mentioned before Pokemon Abridged Version, written and performed by HomeStarRunnerTron on Youtube.  It had excellent voice acting (for a parody) and a quick wit, very in line with “Abridged Series.”

The idea of “Abridged Series” is to take a 30 minute cartoon and shorten it to about 10-15 minutes, overlaying new dialog that somewhat matches the original intent of the show whilst changing the exact words to be much funnier.

HSRT’s Pokemon Abridged videos were pulled from YouTube, apparently due to a mix of using Pokemon footage and some clips of some fameous songs.  DCMA takedowns for a parody?  OF COURSE!  Welcome to the new free world.

Various clips I’ve found of the video around are of random quality, don’t stream well, or (shock) are pulled for DCMA violations.  So I’m hosting my own streams on my own server of this excellent PARODY.  Enjoy.

Thanks to Dreamhost for your servers.

Just a little image I whipped up.

Of all the recent celebrity deaths, it’s Billy Mays that’s caught my attention.

I had a job intereview today for a PHP Application Developer position.  Naturally I was nervous.  But I think I did a good job.  Except for one question:

“Define ‘Variable Variables’ as it relates to PHP.”

My brain froze.  It’s like, the words made sense… but not really.  My response was a confused look, followed by “I don’t believe I’ve heard that term in reference to PHP.”

The guy nodded, gave a half smile and moved on.

I left the interview, shook hands all around, and walked out.  I hit the button for the elevator, got in, and pressed lobby.  And then I did this:

For at that moment, I suddenly realized what Variable Variables were.  And worst yet… I’ve used many variable variables!

Just for good Karma:

“Variable Variables” allow you to assign the name of one variable as a string in another variable, and then access the named variable.  For example:

   1:  $salutation = 'Hello, World!';

   2:  $a = 'salutation';

   3:  echo ${$a};

{$a} says “take the contents of the string $a and put them here as the variable name,” which turns line 3 into:

   1:  echo $salutation;

Which causes the script to print “Hello, World.”  I could explain Magic Functions, but completely blanked on Variable Variables.

I also forgot that the @ sign is used to change the error reporting level, rendering errors “suppressed,” but it’s usually a Bad Thing™ for efficiency (Excellent explanation here.  But I threw up the “It’s used for function decorators in Python!” in hopes of at least showing SOME programmer savvy (and instead mostly looking like a random dork).

I hope this post can save somebody else the humiliation of forgetting about Variable Variables… or this may just become your reaction:

I was watching the TV show “Sliders” on Netflix, when I saw this scene… which immediately reminded me of Left4Dead:

‘Course, for it to work, Bill has to be a brilliant twenty-something quantum physicist with a wormhole generator built into his cellphone, but otherwise it’s pretty good.  Wade makes a really good Zoey, and I can so see Rembrant shouting “Reeeeloading!” with that shotgun!

The episode is “Rules of the Game,” the first episode of Season 3.  You can see it here if you have Netflix.

A Dr. Who/Star Trek XI movie crossover written in a few hours today, starring one of my most favorite Doctor Who, Doctor Number Four.

Originally posted at:  http://core.sector001.com/cgi-bin/board.cgi?thread=508&post=11

THE BLACK HOLE OF DEATH 

By Cameron Sanantonio 

EPISODE ONE 

The room was bright white, with little round cubbyholes around the perimeter of the hexagonal space. It was almost antiseptic in it’s whiteness. In the center of the room was a hexagonal console, covered with switches, levers, knobs, and gauges. The gauges measured everything from temporal coordinates to the temperature of any of the ship’s six million rooms. 

In the corner was a hatrack with a long knitted scarf and a large floppy hat attached near the top. 

On the other side of the room, a tall man with curly hair stood, contemplating the console in the center of the room. Suddenly making a decision, he rushed to the console and set a few of the controls. He flipped a switch and pulled a lever, and with a "Squeeee! Squeeee!" sound the lit central column of the console started going up and down. 

"Where are we going now, Doctor?" asked a beautiful but bored looking woman who had just walked into the console room from the side entrance. She was wearing a brilliantly white gown, and had her hair down. Her name was Romanadvoratrelundar, and frankly she didn’t want to go on any adventures right about now. 

"Ah! Romana!" said the man named Doctor. "I’ve been trying to decide what to do now. We have five of the six segments to the Key to Time, and the tracer can’t seem to pick anything up." He thumped the console near the tracer port, with the device silent. "It’s not setting coordinates, and it’s not showing us anything! So! I’ve decided that we need a bit of a vacation. We’re on our way to Stravomueller Beta… the stars in the sky are so condensed by the proximity to the core of the Galaxy that…" 

"I know about Stravomueller Beta," said Romana, rolling her eyes. "Unlike some people, I actually passed Mutter’s Spiral Astrophysics 101." 

"Hmph!" said the Doctor. "Well, you haven’t seen the dry ice falls yet, so let’s go!" He slapped the console, and again the "Squeeee! Squeeee!" sound filled the control room. 

"But the key to time…" started Romana. 

"…can take care of itself for a change. We’re in a time machine, we’ll go back a few eons and nobody will ever know what happened." 

With a sudden Star Trek Shake, the TARDIS sideslipped a few hundred meters and few thousand years, throwing Romana and the Doctor against the far wall. With a painful squeal, the TARDIS attempted to right itself in the Time Vortex, causing the interior to shake violently. The motion shook loose the recharge cable from K9, who was anchored to the bottom of the console. "Master?" the robotic dog asked plaintively. 

"K9!" shouted the Doctor. "I can’t get to the controls! What’s happened?" 

"Master," started K9, extending his sensor stalk upward toward the console. "Data indicates that the TARDIS has struck a black hole, or other similar material." 

"Black hole shmack hole!" shouted the Doctor. "This is a TARDIS. Even a black hole couldn’t cause so much rustle! They aren’t that powerful an extension into the Time Vortex…" 

"Only the first shake was the Time Vortex, Master," explained the dog. "Sensors indicate that an emergency landing has been engaged and that the shaking is being caused by the environment outside the TARDIS." 

The Doctor smiled to Romana. "Sounds exciting!" 

"Sounds dangerous," she said, chidingly. 

"Exactly what I said! Come on!" The shaking had subsided, allowing the two Time Lords off the floor. "Let’s see what the bustle is all about." With one final look at the central console, the Doctor smiled and pulled the lever, opening the main doors. 

—– 

Outside the TARDIS, Romana looked around. "Positively ancient." 

"Isn’t it though!" The Doctor ran to a quivering panel on the wall and attempted to pull up information on it. "Positively human! I love the archetecture." 

Romana scoffed. "Human. Bah. Looks like a brewery." She squinted. "Where are we? Which human empire?" 

"None!" shouted the Doctor. "This is even before the First Great and Bontiful Human Empire, before even the New Roman Empire! We’re very early in the Humanist Era… in a time period I usually make sure to avoid…" 

"Because it’s dangerous?" asked Romana. 

"No! Not dangerous! I avoid it because it’s boring." The Doctor waved his hand around. "A few centuries of peace and prosperity. No empire, a federation! A federation of various lifeforms and civilizations, banding together to boldly go where nobody had gone before! A time of exploration and enlightenment. Sure, there were a few wars here and there, but right now, we’re in a bubble of calm. A few years ago, the Battle of Cheron took place, and the Romulan Star Empire has calmed down. The Klingons are too busy killing each other to harm the new alliance, and exploration is the fact of life." 

"So, no fighting?" asked Romana. 

"Well, some, but nothing really big." 

"How, then, do you explain that?" Romana pointed to a group of young security officers running toward them, phasers drawn. 

"What?" asked the Doctor, shocked. 

"Who are you!" shouted a burly security guard. "Never mind that! We’re under attack! Civilians to the escape pods and shuttlecraft! Go!" The squad then turned to a side hallway. 

"Attacked! Escape pods!" shouted Romana. "So much for peace!" 

"This is wrong, so wrong! Lets go forward and take a look." The Doctor and Romana made their way forward dodging Starfleet officers left and right. Apparently the battle had rejoined, as the craft was being flung back and forth, and officers were streaming to the shuttles. "Ships of this time period usually had a command area forward and up called a Bridge," started the Doctor… just before they came face to face with the windows. 

"Oh… my," said Romana. 

"That is one big ship!" shouted the Doctor. 

The ship responded by spraying the ship with missiles. 

"Look!" shouted Romana, pointing to the side. "What quaint little boats!" 

"Not boats, Romana! Shuttlecraft! And that bully is firing rockets at them! Why, I’d like to get my hands on…" 

"This ship is shooting the missiles down with some kind of laser weapon!" 

"Good show!" shouted the Doctor, peering at the shuttlecraft. 

"Doctor…" 

"What now, Romana?" 

"Doctor, that big ship is getting closer." 

"Nonsense!" shouted the Doctor, "I can feel the gravity dampeners. We’re the ones mov…" He stared at the other ship. 

"Doctor… I think we’re going to…" 

"Collide! It must be worse than we thought! Come on, Romana, back to the TARDIS!" 

Romana and the Doctor spun around, running as fast as they could back to the TARDIS, weaving in and out of similar looking corridors, trying to remember the route back, and hoping they had time. They dived into the TARDIS. 

"Collission imminent, Master," stated K9. 

"I know that K9!" The Doctor and Romana hurled themselves at the console. 

"What coordinates!" shouted Romana. 

"No time!" shouted the Doctor, grabbing the "Emergency Jump" lever and giving it a tug. 

—– 

With a "Squeeee! Squeeee!" sound, the TARDIS dematerialized out of the hold of the USS Kelvin seconds before it impacted the Romulan battleship, changing the course of future history. 

—– 

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor, Romana, and K9 watched the Time Column nervously. An "Emergency Jump" is dangerous at any time, but in such close proximity to such an outpouring of energy as a high speed collision, followed by the yank from the Vortex caused by the Black Hole… any outcome was possible.

"Squeeee! Squeeee!" The sound of the rematerialization circuits is welcome to the time travelers, signifying that they’re going to live through the landing. With a "thrumm!" the ship shivers to a stop. 

"Where are we?" 

"Sensors indicate a landing on the large vessel which was attacking our last location," stated K9. 

"Why did we go there!" shouted Romana. 

"Well, you see…" starts the Doctor before being interrupted by K9. 

"Proximity to the black hole caused a fault in the Type 40 TT capsule emergency launch sequence, locking on to the nearest gravity source but forward between 10 and 100 years." 

"Thank you K9, I was just about to say that." The Doctor huffed. "Well, since we’re here, and the TARDIS needs to recharge after an Emergency Stop, an Emergency Landing, and an Emergency Jump. Lets take a look, shall we?" 

"And this isn’t dangerous?" snarked Romana. 

"Well sure it’s dangerous. But we’ll haven K9, won’t we?" 

"Master!" said K9, wagging it’s antenna tail. 

"Lets go." Said the Doctor. 

—– 

Stepping out of the TARDIS, The Doctor, Romana, and K9 survey their surroundings. 

"Where are we?" asked Romana. 

The Doctor started gesturing in the air. "Well, if this ship follows any sane construction pattern, I think we’ve settled down in… settled in… where are we K9?" 

"Master? It appears we are in the shuttle deck area." 

The Doctor and Romana looked around the deck, and the Doctor’s eyes fell on a large white ship that seemed so out of place. 

"What is this!" He walked toward it. Should we take a look?" 

"It’s closed up, Doctor," said Romana. 

"Oh, is it. K9, please?" The Doctor gestured to K9, who rolled forward and extended his sensor stalk. Whines and squeals like an old-style modem emitted out of K9 and his counterpart computer in the ship, and with a hiss the ramp extended. 

"Good dog, K9! Come on," said the Doctor. 

"Master," said K9, "If it pleases you, I’d rather stay and talk with this computer. It’s not often I get to talk to such a logical intellectual equal to myself." 

"Good boy. Come on, Romana." They made their way into the ship. 

—– 

"Well, this ship doesn’t look at dreadfully retro like the rest of this godforsaken era," said Romana, laying a hand across a console. 

"Oh, be nice Romana. I find it kind of quaint." 

"Says the Time Lord who flys around in a police box." 

"Low blow." 

The Time Lord and Time Lady made their way through the spartan living quarters of the ship toward the engineering section. 

"Well, I must say!" said Romana. "These engines don’t seem so bad." 

"Dear Gallifrey!" shouted the Doctor. 

"What! At least I’m saying something nice," said Romana. 

"Not you, this!" And with a gesture, the Doctor pointed toward a large clear tube containing a large ball of red stuff. 

"Red matter!" shouted Romana. "What is Red matter doing here?!" 

"This is old!" said the Doctor. "Impossibly old. Like old old. Next I’ll expect somebody to show up covered in Huon particles being chased by a Racnoss." 

"That’s perposterious!" shouted Romana. 

"Then explain the red matter," started the Doctor, before being interrupted by K9. 

"Master!" 

"Not now, K9!" shouted the Doctor. "What is it?" 

"Two humanoids carrying phased energy hand weapons have just entered the bay. They are heading for this vehicle." 

"Good boy!" said the Doctor. "Lets leave. You keep an eye on this ship K9." 

"Master." answered the robotic dog. 

"Lets go." 

—– 

The Doctor and Romana made their way toward the edge of the bay, attempting to evade security. Their attempt failed. 

"Halt!" shouted the Romulan. "How did you get on this ship!" 

"We’re… travelers. Just on a quick stop. Ship had some problems so we landed…" 

"Oh shut up, Scarf." shouted the guard. "Come with me. You’re going to see Nero." 

"I thought you said the New Roman Empire wasn’t for a few more centuries?" chided Romana. 

"Shutup, Cupcake. Come with me." The guard shoved into them both, frisking them for weapons. He pointed at The Doctor. "Empty your pockets!" 

The Doctor reached in to his pockets and started pulling out various items. An idol from Betelguise II, a Martian salt shaker, a Freiberger, a paper bag. "Jelly baby?" asked the Doctor to the Romulan. The Romulan guard slapped the bag out of his hands. "Huh," said the Doctor. He then pulled out a small metal pipe. 

"What’s that?" asked the Romulan Guard. 

"A whistle. Want to try?" 

The Romulan grabbed the whistle and blew on it, producing … no sound whatsoever. With disgust, he threw it to the deck. "I don’t have time to play with you old man!" 

"Old man!" shouted the Doctor. "I’ll have you know I’m not a day over 600!" 

"Liar." said Romana. 

"You’re coming with me," ground out the Guard. 

"Except for one thing," said the Doctor. 

"What’s that?" said the guard, clutching his gun. 

"K9… now!" 

And with a warbling whistle, K9 let out a beam which knocked the guard to his knees. 

"What took you so long, K9?" chided the Doctor. 

"Master?" 

"We almost died!" 

"Master?" 

"And it would have been your fault." 

"Master?" 

"Oh, do leave him be," said Romana. 

"Master, the ship was taken away by one of the humanoids. I was just about to board when you called." 

"Oh, I’m not really angry. Who’s a good boy, K9?" The Doctor leaned over, scratching under K9’s metal chin. 

"I am, Master." 

The Doctor picked up the whistle. 

"Master, this ship has just entered Warp Drive chasing after the shuttle." 

"Well, I have a feeling that this ship doesn’t belong to the Good Guys." He pulled out his Sonic Screwdriver. "How about we wreck a little havok before we go?" 

"Master?" 

"Do you think that’s wise?" asked Romana. 

"Romana, this ship should not be here. My time senses have been going off overtime since I stepped foot out of the TARDIS." 

"Mine too." 

"So, I say, give the good guys a little help, hmm?" 

"Yes, but what can we do?" 

Just then, the ship started to shake. 

"I think they’ve engaged battle again." said Romana, looking at the ceiling. 

"Correct, Mistress." 

"Well, come on. We’ll sabotage something on the way. K9, keep a look out." 

—– 

The Doctor, Romana, and K9 were bustling down a corridor, when the ship was hit with a large explosion, knocking them to the walls. 

"Master, Mistress. I believe the ship has collided with another." 

"I gathered that, K9," said The Doctor. "But which ship?" 

Suddenly, an alarm blared. "Everyone, evacuate! Red matter!" 

"Red matter!" shouted Romana and the Doctor. 

"The shuttle, Master." said K9. 

"I know it was the shuttle, K9!" shouted the Doctor. Then he gasped. "That’s it! Romana, this ship has collided with the shuttle!" 

"Yes, Doctor," said Romana, patting K9’s head. 

"That means that the red matter has been released, and will create a black hole!" 

"Master, this ship is equipped with a chronaton stability device which will keep the black hole from forming." 

"But this ship has a chronaton stability device!" shouted the Doctor. "That will keep the black hole from forming. Drat it all!" 

"Master, we may be able to sabotage the stability device…" 

"By reversing the polarity flow!" shouted the Doctor. 

"Brilliant," said Romana, rolling her eyes. 

"Master, a main control conduit runs along the length of this corridor." 

"How convenient!" 

—– 

Small bits of red matter floated around the superstructure of the Romulan ship, but the chronaton stability device kept the red matter in compact little balls, and kept them from contacting the ship’s surface. 

The USS Enterprise opened fire on the Romulan ship with renewed gusto, battering down it’s defenses. 

—– 

The Doctor jumped out from below a console. "I was able to disable only the backup field generators. The mains are still protecting the ship." 

With a large shake and rattle, the lights went out all over the ship. 

"Master, the mains are down." 

"Good dog, K9!" 

"I didn’t do it, Master." 

"Doesn’t matter, let’s go!" 

"Master, Mistress, red matter conversion in 60 seconds." 

"Like I said, let’s go!" 

—– 

The Doctor, Romana, and K9 rushed to the TARDIS and ran inside. 

"Initiate dematerialization, Romana!" 

Romana ran to the console and dematerialized the TARDIS just seconds before the black hole opened again, and they were safely in the Time Vortex. 

"Good job, Romana! And you too, K9!" The Doctor took off his floppy hat and scarf and hung it on the coatrack. 

"Are you sure they’re going to be OK?" asked Romana. 

"Oh, no," said the Doctor. "I’m sure all the Romulans have already died in the radiation field." 

"Not the Romulans, Doctor. The Humans. I looked up the databank just before we left. They attempted to destroy the Earth with red matter." 

"Ahh, but they failed. I’d expect nothing less from the Human race. Nah, they’ll be fine. I caught a glimpse of the ship’s name that was attacking the Romulans. As long as Earth has a USS Enterprise, they’ll be just fine. I can’t believe you didn’t recognize the ship." 

"Mutter’s Spiral Ancient History was an elective at the Academy." 

"Well, it looks like they are going to be fine." 

"Master." 

"What is it, K9?" 

"The Tracer." 

Both Time Lords looked over at the tracer, beeping and sending coordinates to the computer. 

"The sixth key to time!" they both said. 

"Well, what are you waiting for?" asked the Doctor. "Lets get this quest over with." 

—– 

The USS Enterprise ejects it’s warp cores, causing a massive explosion, throwing it clear of the black hole. Just outside it’s sensor range, The TARDIS rotated in space. With a "Squeeee! Squeeee!" the TARDIS faded out on it’s way to it’s next adventure.