I had a job intereview today for a PHP Application Developer position.  Naturally I was nervous.  But I think I did a good job.  Except for one question:

“Define ‘Variable Variables’ as it relates to PHP.”

My brain froze.  It’s like, the words made sense… but not really.  My response was a confused look, followed by “I don’t believe I’ve heard that term in reference to PHP.”

The guy nodded, gave a half smile and moved on.

I left the interview, shook hands all around, and walked out.  I hit the button for the elevator, got in, and pressed lobby.  And then I did this:

For at that moment, I suddenly realized what Variable Variables were.  And worst yet… I’ve used many variable variables!

Just for good Karma:

“Variable Variables” allow you to assign the name of one variable as a string in another variable, and then access the named variable.  For example:

   1:  $salutation = 'Hello, World!';

   2:  $a = 'salutation';

   3:  echo ${$a};

{$a} says “take the contents of the string $a and put them here as the variable name,” which turns line 3 into:

   1:  echo $salutation;

Which causes the script to print “Hello, World.”  I could explain Magic Functions, but completely blanked on Variable Variables.

I also forgot that the @ sign is used to change the error reporting level, rendering errors “suppressed,” but it’s usually a Bad Thing™ for efficiency (Excellent explanation here.  But I threw up the “It’s used for function decorators in Python!” in hopes of at least showing SOME programmer savvy (and instead mostly looking like a random dork).

I hope this post can save somebody else the humiliation of forgetting about Variable Variables… or this may just become your reaction:

The Interwebs is flooded with people griping and complaining about the new Sniper/Spy update for TF2.  The reactions to complainers, however, shows a lack of understanding of the problem.

Now, I don’t like whiners.  They’re usually counterproductive, and what they whine about is usually a problem of theirs.

But this update is full of massive FAIL.  And what shocks me is that it was published by Valve for TF2.  Let me explain this.

If you watch the documentaries in TF2, you can see just how hard Valve worked to make the game just “click.”  Classes are bright colors on drabish backgrounds.  Every class is a different shape for easy ID.  Weapons are big and obvious looking.  The game was designed from the ground up to be as user friendly as possible.

They BRAG about how much effort has gone into planning TF2 to be pick up and go.  And you know what?  I picked up and went when I bought the game.  Having never played a shooter before, TF2 just lodged in my heart as DOOM must have done a decade ago.  It was like nothing I’d played before.

But for a company that talks so much hot air about planning to make the game as easy to pick up and fun to play as possible, they’ve really kicked themselves in the face with this update.

Here’s why:  I waited an hour for the update to download, have been waiting a week watching the daily blog updates, have been waiting months with the speculation of what I’d get to play with… and then I get into the game and find that to unlock weapons… it has to randomly happen to you.

As best I can tell, the game randomly picks an uplock and hands it to you.  Including unlocks you already have.  And herein lies the problem.  While I don’t like Achievement Farming to get weapon unlocks, at least you have a goal to strive for.  With this new system… I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get to shoot the Huntsman or throw a jar of Jarate.  I got my first spy unlock minutes after I started the update, the Cloak and Dagger watch.  And then for the next five hours I didn’t earn anything.  And I watched friends of mine re-earn weapons they had already unlocked.

Now, I don’t play TF2 for the unlocks.  I play because I enjoy it.  But after being wound up for months I have to get the unlocks at random?  And I might get stuff I already own?  Valve, for a company that crows about the details of the lighting system for characters that give them easily visible silhouettes, this was downright dumb.  All my excitement has turned into blah.  I want to pin people to the wall with the bow and arrow!  I want to Jarate somebody!  But I can’t, because your stupid random system won’t give ‘em to me… and I don’t know how long I have to play to get them.  EPIC FAILURE of understanding people.

NOTE:  I see people saying “Calm down!  It hasn’t even been a full day!” or “Ooh, too bad you have to play the game to get the weapons!  Boo hoo!”  Understand, I know this is the first launch of a new patch, it’s gonna have bugs.  And I have no problem playing the game to earn weapons.  For God’s Sake, I played Eve Online.  I can handle waiting for bonuses… but not when I haven’t a clue when they may happen, or if, or if I get yet another Kritzkreig.  Will I have to play a week to get my bow and arrow?  I don’t know!

There are easy solutions:

1. Give us all the unlocks at the start.
2. Have an XP system where you can earn the unlocks.
3. Have an XP system where you can BUY the unlocks.
4. Base the unlocks on achievements.
5. Give the unlocks based on time playing the game.

And with all the solutions above, publish the method (I’m still guessing how this system works*) and give us status bars (or some way of knowing if we are making progress).

*NOTE:  Valve is going to explain… tomorrow… how the unlock system works.  I guess I’ll wait until… tomorrow… to waste any more time beating my head against the wall.  Could you have not put something in the patch notes, like, oh I don’t know, stuff like that is usually explained?